Rethinking Men's Mental Health

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A note from Jesse Adams: I’ve noticed that there's a conversation happening in my own life and throughout our culture about men, and with men, but not necessarily among men. And it's centred on us not knowing how to be emotional beings. 

And that's showing up in a lack of connection, honest conversation, and the general consensus that a lot of us don't know how to be okay. 

It's not that we don't care about our mental health — many do. But what shows up in therapy, at work, and even at home is a gap between how we feel, what we were taught, and what the world expects us to show. We’re left struggling to not only identify our emotions, but to express them in a healthy and effective way. What's particularly alarming is that this gap doesn't just hurt men, it shapes our families, workplaces, and communities… and not always in a good way. 

Recently, Ember Experience hosted a conversation between a therapist (Alex Wolf), myself, and a facilitator (Olivia Stibbe), who dove into this exact thing: how our ideas about masculinity are negatively impacting men's mental health, and what actually needs to shift. 

What came out was the following article: a raw and honest discussion and analysis of how exhausting it can be to keep performing an identity that doesn't feel like you anymore. 

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Performing Masculinity

From a young age, boys learn how to perform. They’re taught the idealized view of masculinity and try to fit into the profile of "strong," emotionless, don't ask for too much, figure things out on your own, make money, be useful, and stay in control. 

But that raises the question: who is that performance actually for? 

"Maybe the performance of masculinity is really for other men," Liv wondered. "Because women seem to be the ones creating space for vulnerability."

That would explain a lot: the posturing, and even the fight against softness, not just with partners, but even with themselves. In a lot of circles, fitting in as a man still means playing by the rules: stay quiet, keep your distance, look tough. 

But Alex says it's for the benefit of both. "If I want friends or a partner, society has conditioned us to believe I need to show up in that particular way, even if that's maybe not who I am," Alex said. "Being accepted into the group — the guise, if you will — is incredibly important because we are social beings. And traditionally, the way to do that is to be ultra masculine."

When the Script isn't Enough

So what happens when men follow the long-standing script? We tick all the boxes from career and house to family and success. And then…something still feels off. 

Jesse shared that a few years ago, he finally got everything he wanted — a good house, a growing company, three great kids, a loving partner, a cottage, and yet he still felt empty. 

"That was a hard truth to sit with," Jesse admitted. 

This really wasn’t about being ungrateful; it's about being out of sync with yourself. He kept hoping that hitting each goal would finally settle the restlessness he felt inside, but it never did. 

Eventually, Jesse had to shift how he thought about it: "Achieving a goal isn't the destination. It's just a sign I'm heading in the right direction."

Alex added something he tells his clients: the idea of the North Star. "It's not about reaching it, it's about having something to steer toward."

That's what purpose really is. It's not a finish line or something to prove to others; it's something within yourself.

External Validation isn't Enough

But that kind of self-awareness is tough when your sense of worth is tied to external things, like income, muscles, titles and relationships. And when those things shift, when you lose the job, or your body changes, everything you thought made you "you" starts to fall apart. 

"If I have a narrow view of who I am," Alex explained, "I'm at higher risk for low self-worth, depression, and major stress. There's just no cushion."

If you haven't built that broader foundation that's rooted in a sense of identity, real friendships, and community, where do you land when life knocks you around?

Lonely in the Crowd

That's where loneliness creeps in, and it's not always obvious. 

Jesse reflected on a night out with friends where he wasn't okay, but kept it to himself the majority of the night. 

"Someone asked how I was and I responded 'I needed to laugh tonight'," he said. "And someone else joked, 'Just say everything's fine and move it along.' Everyone laughed. I laughed too. But later I realized that's kind of the problem."

It's not that men don't have people around; it's that there's not always space for a real emotional connection. Among men, support typically looks like action: helping someone move, fixing a flat tire, or showing up in a crisis. But being emotionally honest? That's not in the script.

What men need most is other men who are willing to be real and honest with what's going on in their lives and how it's impacting them, rather than joking it away. Men want to share, but we often need someone else to go first.

Asking for Help is the Hard Part

And then there's asking for help. Not just in therapy, but anywhere. 

"I suck at asking for what I need," Jesse said. "I don't want to inconvenience anyone. But then I get frustrated when people don’t help me and I fall into the victim mindset, blaming them for not showing up in a way I need them to."

And this seems to be the case across the board. We see it in the guy wandering around Home Depot for twenty minutes instead of asking where the screws are. And we see it in the friend who says "I'm fine" even when they're clearly not. 

Alex piped in: “ What I've done for myself in these situations is reframe it. If efficiency is really what I'm striving for, the most efficient thing to do is ask the person who works here, who knows where this stuff is.”

Jesse put it simply: "If it's hard to ask where something is in a store, of course it's hard to say, 'I'm struggling. Especially in situations that feel higher risk, like with a partner or someone you love, that’s where it really feels like something's on the line.'"

Leading Without Emotional Competency

We know this lack of emotional connection or safety doesn't just stay in your personal life. It shows up at work, too.

Plenty of men are in leadership roles where emotional intelligence really matters. But if no one ever taught you how to name what you're feeling, or ask someone else how we really are, or admit you don't know something without feeling ashamed, how do you lead in a way that shows your team it's okay to be human?

Jesse summed it up like this: "We're great at solving the problem in front of us. But we struggle with the emotions that come with it."

That gap doesn't just affect performance; it impacts trust and shapes culture.

Rethinking Masculinity

A big part of this conversation was centred on deciphering what we even mean by "masculinity," let alone the negative connotation often attached to the word. Alex raised an important point: "One of my issues with the concept of toxic masculinity is that it tends to negate or sort of demonize all forms of masculinity."

In some circles, the term has unintentionally morphed into the idea that all displays of masculinity are harmful, which simply isn't true. "There's real benefit in some elements of being the 'lone ranger,'" Alex explained. "Bravery, courage, strength, and resilience are often associated with masculinity, and these aren't bad things. In certain contexts, they could even be deemed as necessary."

But the problem isn't the traits themselves, it's when they're rigid, all-or-nothing, or disconnected from emotional depth. Healthy masculinity, Alex shared, is about balance. "We can be resilient, but that doesn't mean suppress emotions."

That also means redefining strength not as stoic suppression, but as emotional regulation. "There's a misunderstanding that being stoic means no emotions or being unaffected by devastation," he said. "But real stoicism is about awareness and regulation… channelling your emotional response into helpful action."

Without that awareness, those suppressed emotions don't disappear. "They just come out sideways," Alex added. "In anxiety, depression, or even physical health issues."

An Invite to You

So, how do we move forward?

Sometimes it starts in therapy. Sometimes it starts with a conversation with a friend, a partner, or even a coworker. Sometimes it just starts by noticing when you shut down, when you pretend you're fine, and asking yourself what's really going on underneath that?

Alex said one of the first steps is helping men separate who they are from who we’ve been told to be. It's not always easy work, especially if you've been wearing the same mask for years. But on the other side of that discomfort is where freedom, clarity, and real connection lives. 

"We can't escape masculinity," Alex said. "So, how do we work with it?"

And that's the invitation. We invite you to stop performing and start showing up for your own life, to redefine what strength means, to risk being real, and to remember that healing doesn't happen alone. 

Healing happens over time, amongst community, and when we stop pretending we don't need it.